Whether we acknowledge and take a step to our health concerns, and symptoms or not, we think what other people are going through is much easier than what we are going through.
Well, when I was having terrible flare-ups on my whole body, I thought I was the first person that people would feel sorry for among others. Some told me that they had been having chronic back pain, joint pain, pains during menstruation, IBS, etc. But I didn’t think it was as terrible as the problem is on the skin where other people could see in the eyes.
We are all very unique individuals. What we are healing from has no hierarchy.
While I have never had pains during menstruation, some girls can’t even get out of bed when it happens. While I have never experienced arthritis, some expressed to me that the pain is so unbearable that they could be chronically depressed. But pains are invisible. We don’t know how hard it is what they are going through until we experience the degree of the pain.
I have been healing from chronic eczema and Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW for short). My day-to-day life was mostly downs not so many ups because it was my face and neck where I couldn’t really hide with clothes like other parts of the body. People would ask me if I had an allergic reaction to some foods. People would offer me to use coconut oil, shea butter, or other oils to moisturize the skin where I knew the problem wasn’t the “skin” itself. I was embarrassed about how I looked. I wished it wasn’t my face.
In 2013, I started wearing eyeglasses (I have been wearing contacts in public since grade 6) so that I could at least hide a tiny part of my face. And looking in a mirror became my obsession to look for my “flaws” and “imperfection” instead of telling myself “I love you”. So of course, I never wanted to be social either. I started to hide from everybody.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I didn’t mind spending time alone at all, which led me to feel depressed for a really long time.
Just before the end of the summer in 2013, a good friend of mine came back from Brazil. She told me all about her healing journey there in Abadiania. That’s when I learned about John of God, famous for healing people with chronic degenerative diseases. (ADDITIONAL NOTE: Today when I’m writing this blog, he has been arrested for numerous accusations of sex abuse. I didn’t know back then about what was going on and his crimes in the Casa.)
Her story was more than enough to convince me to book flights to visit him after 10 mins of chat. I got return tickets to Abadiania for December that night.
I was so looking forward to clearing my skin while I was there for two weeks and looking “healthy” again but this time not faking it with a cortisone cream.
Did it happen?
The answer is no.
The symptoms got worse when I arrived. My friend told me it was common. But my skin was unbearably itchy so much so that I couldn’t stay still day and night. While everybody visited for their own healing was hanging out in the “Love Bubble”, I stayed inside all day hiding out from people.
A couple of things I tried meanwhile were an in-person session on a crystal bed about 3 days a week for chakra balancing and giving prayers at the casa.
About a week in, I was finally able to get to see John of God after waiting in line for a couple of hours. There was only a little time he could spend with each person and for me, his word was not anything I wanted to hear – “You should come back here three more times. Then you will heal.”
I was disappointed big time.
My anger was at its peak as my skin was red and scally getting worse despite the treatments on the crystal bed, not sleeping at all because of the itch, and feeling lonely and helpless.
Then, the year turned 2014. I heard people counting the time to zero, then screaming, and singing, the fireworks had gone off and celebrating all night.
I was in bed alone asking the universe to free my spirit from my body.
I lost count of how many times I wished my health challenges were not on my skin and rather inside of the body where they are invisible.
People in the “Love Bubble” in Abadiania looked all healthy no matter how serious their health challenges could be, it didn’t matter to me. When your inside is so rotten by toxicity both emotionally and physically, you envy others and you feel you are the worst victim of life.
Yes, that was me.
What was my takeaway from this trip?
It was “SELF-LOVE”. I got this message from spirits while I was writing a note (“I want healthy skin.”) for the community prayer at the casa. I couldn’t understand it then and for a while after. The message was too simple to connect the dot necessary to heal my skin.
But it was “SELF-LOVE” that I needed to explore deeper in order to get to know ME more. It turns out that my skin healing journey was much bigger than just eczema or TSW, but also the journey to be able to see the grass on my side is just as green as the other side and it’s up to me whether to see the beauty in my grass or not.
When our eyes and minds are on what’s missing or imperfection in us, we are never able to appreciate how authentic we are. When we overlook the authenticity in us, it becomes harder to align with our hearts where we (true selves) can manifest and reflect the outside world from within.
Can you feel your imperfection is your authenticity?
Can you see what’s making you feel resented about your body is actually authentic?
“Look up. Because you are beautiful.”